TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
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Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
my nickname in college
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Yup.
me and the Superbowl rn