Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
You Might Also Like
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
When ur friends with white people
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
welp
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Ken is short for chicken
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.