That’s not how days work.
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ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.