One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
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I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Word!
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
why isn’t he texting back
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two