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Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?