“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
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These dogs look like they have good credit.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…