if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
You Might Also Like
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.