a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
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I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.