Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
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A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Just grow your own
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”