After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
You Might Also Like
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
selfie game
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
This can never not be funny 😭😭
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.