Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
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it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
I really had high hopes for this year though
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
going to the ER y’all need anything
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows