IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
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my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
When you let grandma cat sit
peak technology
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down