My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
You Might Also Like
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.