Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
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Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.