FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
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Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Plumber: I think I found the problem
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.