Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
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me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Now this is how you LinkedIn
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Body by Oreos
cause of death:
autopsy.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive