My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
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Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
New comic up. “Ransom”
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.