Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
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Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
How times have changed.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac