Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts