Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
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Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen