Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
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[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
*seductively eats two tums*
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.