I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.