I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
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“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.