Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
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IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
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