[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
You Might Also Like
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.