“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
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Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go