In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
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When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth