I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
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* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Fidel Castro was alive?
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
concern
good work, detective
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????