I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
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that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.