STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
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Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.