anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
You Might Also Like
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!