Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
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Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Always
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.