[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
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It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now