“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
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My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Breaking news:
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide