i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
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I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Nice try Hitler
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
As the Lord intended
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there