Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
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OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.