Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
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this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious