An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
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I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”