One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
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Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
The photographer’s assistant
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
How I’d get arrested…
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there