Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
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Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want