I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
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The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans