Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
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4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
2 years later
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
calling in to work dehydrated
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.