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It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift