If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
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My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.