Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
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My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
#math
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Google assistant rules
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
War & Peace
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*