THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
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me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Good boy 😂😂
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating