Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
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COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya