4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
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waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Saw your ex at the shops
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.