I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
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These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel