My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
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drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG